Assisting an Anxious Child with Sleep – Tips to Calm Kid's Fears

The Story of Emma

Emma often doesn’t understand the harsh emotions which can sometimes come up suddenly, swirling around in her head like autumn leaves being tossed to and fro rushed down the street with yesterday’s trash by the wind. Some days she feel like yesterday’s trash, turned out to school on bitterly cold days by her mom, rushed off after waking up way too early and feeling really dazed and groggy as she struggles through her routine to get herself ready for another day at school.

What is even worse for Emma is trying to get to sleep at night. Most days, she doesn’t want to tell her mom, afraid that she will get yelled at. She lies in bed, tossing and turning under the sheets and blankets, wanting some water, wishing she was somewhere else and that she could finally fall asleep and leave the upsets of the day far behind her. She feels as if she can just get to sleep that she will wake up in the morning feeling so much better.

Most days she can put on a brave face as she goes off to school, working hard at erasing the sleep from her eyes and the upsetting emotions from her head. She does her best to ignore the anxiety and some days she is more successful then on other days when the anxiety haunts her form morning until night, stalking her until finally she can fall asleep. Most days she doesn’t want to tell anyone, especially Mom, but she doesn’t know how to make these feelings go away.

When Emma finally builds up the courage to talk to someone, she finds out that she doesn’t have to feel anxious or scared anymore, that there are people called counsellors, which can help her make the anxiety go away. As she learns how to apply the problem-solving tools and strategies, and learns how to get to sleep really quickly (before the anxiety can become a bother), she discovers a brand new world full of friends and fun.

Bedtime is Especially Challenging for Anxious Children

For children who are anxious, regardless of the reasons, anxiety can make bed time and nighttime routines especially challenging.

Difficulty with bedtime routines, falling asleep, staying asleep once settled and bad dreams (including nightmares, night terrors and sleep walking), seems to be an ongoing challenge for parents, especially when children are already anxious to begin with, or having other life challenges.

When parents are anxious or there are frequent upsets in the house, this heightens a child’s anxiety. Children share in the pain of the adult caregivers around them, regardless of the supportive well-meaning of everyone involved.

What Do Children’s Dreams Mean?

Jodi Mindell, Ph.D., associate director of the Sleep Disorder Center at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, reported that at first, you may not know what is troubling your child and it can be difficult to pin point. This is often because the images in dreams and nightmares are typically not literal representations of what they are feeling or thinking. "Kids may report dreaming about monsters, not burning buildings," she states. What you do know, as a parent, is that the fears of the child are real to them and they are frightened, as evidenced by their little hands shaking, or their cries waking you suddenly in the middle of the night.

Ten (or More) Tips for Resolving Sleep Challenges with Children

To be able to head off the bad dreams and bedtime/nighttime challenges, regardless of the origins — you need to begin well before bedtime.

Here are some useful ideas and tips:

• Turn off the TV news when kids are around. Limit exposure to frightening movies and video games.

A helpful guide to knowing which TV show series are too agitating to a child, determine what percentage of the show is used to exploring the problem and creating drama and what percentage is used to solve the problem or issue. As adults, we tend towards watching shows that are "dramatic" in nature. The shows that adults watch, we have coping mechanisms (hopefully) to deal with and process the themes of the shows. Children do not have the mental capacity for processing shows that are overly dramatic (including most of that which is labeled as a "kids show"). When more than 50 percent of the show time is dedicated to creating and exploring the drama (or problem), and less than 30 percent is used to model solving of the drama, research shows that this creates mental agitation (and also boosts ratings).

• Choose more tranquil activities (no roughhousing or cartoons) at bedtime. Save the most relaxing and quieting activities, back rubs, cuddling, reading, or a story, for the wind down before bedtime, and make your best efforts to create wind down in your child's bedroom, not in the living areas, family rooms or playroom.

With older kids, you can discuss and talk about the events of the day, focusing on what can be done to resolve any outstanding issues of the day and recalling positive activities they have accomplished or events they are looking forward to. In the 60 to 90 minutes before bedtime, this isn't the time for discussion about fears or disasters. The time to discuss crises and challenges, having a focus on reassuring conversations is as you connect throughout the day. This will help a child to have the time required for mentally processing these issues before they become bad dreams and night terrors.

• Identify and know when nightmares and sleep problems are signaling a serious problem. One sign can be a dream or night terror (sleep disturbance) that occurs over and over again. Having bad dreams frequently is another signal. Parents should be watchful for patterns in sleep challenges so that the problems can be addressed and resolved before they become long standing issues.

Some ways to identify a disturbance in the sleeping pattern are as follows:

1. Does your child typically have nightmares only when she spends time with a certain friend or babysitter? Or typically after watching a specific movie, or TV show?
2. Are there any other patterns during the day that could be creating the night time issues?
3. Addressing the daytime challenges or problems may take care of the nighttime challenge. If not, note the patterns in the days that she has a night time problem and see if you can spot the pattern.

• Don't dismiss or minimize the worry in your conversations with the child by stating: "It's just a dream." A child needs specific and concrete proof (as much as possible) that they are not in danger, especially if they are experiencing an ongoing crisis such as a major life change (e.g. marital separation), or have recently experienced a trauma.

• Help your child in describing the dream and listen to them carefully, pausing them when there is something is not clear for you. Quietly reflect as a parent, on what happened in the dream and ask the child what they think the dream may mean to them. Be deliberate in praising and encouraging any detail that shows the child taking some kind of action — yelling at the monster, for example. This helps because it shows kids they have power to change dreams.

• Suggest ways that the child can make the dream less threatening and encourage the child to come up with their own ways to "defeat" the problems in the dreams. Be creative and encourage the children to be creative in finding ways to overcome and be empowered.

• Encourage your children by helping them understand that others have shared their challenges, fears and night time challenges and successfully overcome.

• Within the context of being loving, caring and supportive, ask yourself if you believe the child is able to manage on their own without you stepping in to help. If they are likely capable of learning to get to sleep with less of your help, design a series of small steps to gradually wean the child from your assistance and increasing their independence and self-reliance.

• Identify what your child is likely afraid of. Ask your child to express their fears to you and help the child gently with a “reality check”. Use concrete language in describing the problem as best as you can (within what the child can understand), and compare the child’s description (typically vague, imaginary fears) against the reality that you as an adult can assist them to understand.

• Be consistent with the progress that you and your child make together. Do your best to maintain new habits for a minimum of 21 days (or nights). The best results include dedication, practice and exceptional patience.

• Reading books before bedtime that deal with nightmares in a sensitive way can offer gentle support and reassurance. Some favourites on this topic may include:

• Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak;
• There's a Nightmare in My Closet by Mercer Mayer, and;
• Go Away, Big Green Monster! by Ed Emberley.

Call us today for a free evaluation with an Anxiety Counsellor at 604-574-6555 or fill out the contact form above and one of our professional staff will contact you.